A touch of madness [old material]

Posted on December 9, 2009

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What was i saying? Was it interesting? Oh wait i remember
It was just about how people shut themselves in. Do crap things and automatically reject ways of living. Don't beleive that there are people living in squats who actually have a great time. Its just about what you can and can't accept as standards of living and realising that not living in a squat means theres other things you have to give up instead: freedom from administration, tax, heirarchy. Its all about tradeoffs. Personally i just don't want to get trapped into the shit job cycle, of not leaving just because you don't know what else to do. If you hate it, doing nothing has got to be an improvement.
Though personally i have an escape plan, my eternal plan B: burn everything and laugh. Fuck compassion.
Anyway, in theory i should be able to acheive reasonable contentment without setting fire to very much at all. There are presumably ways to work with people you like doing things you like. If not, burning everything is definitely necessary

– and burning will achieve…?

The overall reduction of human pain, misery, suffering, and ignorence. Or at least the shortening of the aforementioned. If the only self aware intelligence to our knowledge can at best only provide half an existence at the cost of an entire planet.

– …

What?
come on, you must have an opinion! I've just proposed the extermination of people and destruction of life as you know it. That's got to provoke some sort of thought process!

– not really

i see
i suspect you assume its because i'm just having a bit of a wobbly, probably the word childish has crossed your spirit.
The intricacies of the nature of beliefs, opinions, real or imaginary acts, and other such things are of no particular interest.
My brain is frazzled on quantum maths and antidepressants. You know the feeling like theres a silent volcano in your head? Where your heart seems to clamor to be transpersed by a spear? Where you wish you were stupid and dull so that you didn't ever have do doubt anything you believed, let alone everything. Everything is jumbled, nothing is true, death is simple to deal out like card, or maybe impossible and terrifying like a mile high wall of ice

poetry exists to knit together shattered dreams into the patchwork quilt of everyday lives and i'm saying this crap online to someone who doesn't know what the fuck is going on.  Its like talking to yourself, but not. Maybe someone's answerphone, but that person has gone away for good. Writing a message in a bottle, and throwing that bottle into and ocean. Made of messages in bottles.

Who knows?
Who cares?

What about the tower of babel? Some words just came to me: the man who heard all the tongues but understood none. The one without language, hearing noise, maybe there is meaning, he searches.

Maybe i'm so stupid i don't realise what's obivous to everyone

Who knows?
Who cares?

These are just words, the meaning evaporates like morning dew. Do you think i think that everyone is stupid and i am clever? I would be stupid to believe that, though i might wish it, a sort of escape excuse from the top rather than the bottom. Much better to think you're too much for the mere mortals around you than to little, even the drunk understands this and thinks himself king.

– So do you actually think that everyone understands something you dont?

I think it? yes. I believe it? no, no more than i beleive anything else. Or maybe i do beleive things, in quick succession, which are contradictory, but not so long as you don't beleive them at the same time.

I don't know what i believe. Everything is in tension, everything is contradiction. I want to fly, but stay safe, do everything and nothing, roar and sleep and not be disturbed. All these things i think, none of them i beleive. Or at least i don't beleive that i believe them. But perhaps that is wrong too.

I know what i believe.

I believe that whatever i believe, it won't be because someone told me to! I will not accept this or that, just because.
Think your confused? try a trip round my head. Saying that, maybe you are confused more than me. But how would i know? Obviously confusion is fairly subjective, and ones own plight is worse than the rest.

 Put 2 and 2 together, and you get 3 of course. At least if that's what you want. But you can want anything, whether you can have it is different. People make a lot of money that way, but always missing the irony: after all, who made them want money?

mad
everyone is mad
even a mad person could tell

– you have to navigate your way through the madness though or you'll get lost in all of it

But there's nothing to navigate to! This isn't madness, this is everything! Just look at anything too hard and it falls apart! It doesn't make sense, unless you change what you mean by sense. Which is itself nonsense.
But how can you not? Its like putting on a blindfold, sticking a sock in your mouth and plugging your ears and then mumbling "now everything is going to be fine"

lions and tigers and bears, oh my
don't look and they'll go away
someone else, someone else, someone else will stop them
someone else, someone else, someone else can take the blame
sing along sing along, just try not to do it out of tune

Madness…. sanity comes in little cardboard boxes, so they say. Little plastic trays.
but who's "they"?
Who cares?
The volcano in my head has died down. These words will evaporate into nothing, you will read them, and then?

What do you think?
Why do you think it?
Just whatever you do, don't look too closely,
Because this too will fall apart

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